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Posted by: John Brace | 25th March 2014

Baldrick has a “cunning plan” about horse trading (satire)

Baldrick has a “cunning plan” about horse trading (satire)

                         

The following is a work of satire. Any similarities to people living or dead are purely coincidental.

Baldrick has a cunning plan about horse trading (Blackadder)
Baldrick has a cunning plan about horse trading

HORSE TRADING

by

John Brace

INT. A LARGE OFFICE ROOM OF TYRRELL COUNCIL – DAY

BALDRICK
I have a cunning plan.

BLACKADDER
Does it involve turnips?

BALDRICK
No.

BLACKADDER
Does it involve closing half of the local libraries because Deputy Big Cheese is still cheesed off about that?

BALDRICK
No.

BLACKADDER
It doesn’t involve overcharging the disabled?

BALDRICK
No, my plan involves horses.

BLACKADDER
Horses? Well that’s new I suppose, but we’re a local council, we do serious stuff like schools and social services. We don’t horse around!

BALDRICK
Ahh, but this is a cunning plan involving other people’s horses.

BLACKADDER
Other people’s horses? Isn’t that theft?

BALDRICK
Have you heard of Turnbank Farm?

BLACKADDER
No.

BALDRICK
Well this council owns it. We rent it out to a riding stables for a pittance of a rent. The land is worth millions.

BLACKADDER
I still don’t understand what your cunning plan is.

BALDRICK
Well the lease comes up for renewal soon. My cunning plan is to send the tenants a letter saying we’ll renew the lease. The tenants will be lulled into a false sense of security and will think we want to renew. We then wait for the existing lease to expire then we can get them evicted. The land can then be sold for millions for housing and it’s on a flood plain!

BLACKADDER
That is a very dastardly, diabolical cunning plan. Is it legal though?

BALDRICK
Well if anyone queries why we sent the wrong letter, with all the bad things that have happened here over the past few years it’ll just be put down to incompetence rather than design.

BLACKADDER
That is the most evil, diabolical cunning plan you’ve ever come up with Baldrick. Not only are you suggesting we use trickery to get what we want but you’re suggesting houses should be built on a flood plain.

We just have to make sure none of the local press or bloggers find out before we get a judge to sign off on a possession order otherwise we’ll be foiled (and probably sacked). In case our in-house solicitor opens his mouth about this in court make sure he’s on holiday when it comes to trial.

BALDRICK
Certainly, Blackadder. Who will we get instead?

BLACKADDER
Well when the public find out about all this going on they’ll need cheering up, how about we get the famous comedian Dara O’Briain to represent us in court?

BALDRICK
I’m afraid the cupboard is a little bare after agreeing all those gagging orders, so we can’t afford the famous comedian Dara O’Briain. How about Sally O’Brion instead? She’ll only cost us £1,800.

BLACKADDER
Great. Let’s do it then. If anyone kicks up a fuss afterwards we’ll just say that it’s part of our job description to act “in a commercial manner” so they can’t sack us.

THE END OR IS IT?

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Responses

  1. Hi john if it wasn’t so sad in the way the council conduct themselves & true then without people like your good self nobody would no about it. I have taken the liberty of sharing the article with all my Facebook friends in the hope that more Wirral residents are aware of what a shower they are at the Clown Hall in Brighton street. A well put together précis of the truth behind the Clown hall antics.

  2. Reblogged this on Ian Lewis and commented:
    This MUST be fiction, no Council would EVER behave in such a dastardly way…would it?

  3. A cunning plan indeed and conveniently forgetting the propensity of the land flooding.


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