Monkey Island has one secret but how many has Wirral Council?
Monkey Island was a video game from my childhood which perhaps I played too much.
However, this Employment Tribunal over the last fortnight followed the misadventures of Alison Mountney as she struggled to defeat the plans of Graham Burgess and his motley crew and win the heart of Simon Mountney. This involved the mysterious Wirral Council and its impenetrable secrets!
Secret recordings of conversations you’re not allowed a transcript of!
Secret bundles and witness statements the media isn’t allowed a copy of!
Memories so secret that it seems half of the Senior Leadership Team has a new catchphrase, “I don’t recall!”.
Yes this is a tale so long, it’s in five sagas (although it could probably be more).
It starts with The Secret of Wirral Council, followed by Wirral Council 2: Graham Burgess’ Revenge, The Curse of Wirral Council, Escape from Wirral Council and finally Tales of Wirral Council.
However, flippancy aside, without spending hours typing up what was said (and I was only there for the last week) I couldn’t do it justice. There’s just too much!
This will however be a far more entertaining tale if I tell it in the style of Monkey Island.
Below decks on the ship Wirral Council, Mandy Gorman was tired of being picked on by her crewmates because of her disability. As far as she was concerned just because she had no arms, didn’t mean the others should joke about it! So she secretly recorded her colleagues and threatened to expose how badly the ship was being run at a court-martial.
Arrgh, said the senior leadership team, let’s get someone to write a report! So Malcolm Flanagan wrote a report. He found that behaviour was below that to be expected of the crew, but senior management decided that the result was that there would be no disciplinary action. Mandy Gorman (who was the local UNISON branch equality officer) ended her dispute by a COT3 agreement. Presumably Mandy was paid pieces of eight.
Arrgh, said Alison, you’re just doing this to me because I blew the whistle on people being paid too much for extra work in determining who should run the ship!
Arrgh, said the senior leadership team then promptly asked for another report.
Arrgh, said Alison, you ignored my whistleblowing and didn’t dock the pay of a crewmate when I pointed this out.
Ooops, said the senior leadership team, yes we ignored you, but it’s nothing personal!
Arrgh, said Alison, in that case I want a court-martial of my own!
OK, said the senior leadership team, and set a flag message to summon Mr Moore who worked on a ship called Eversheds.
Captains of other ships were assembled so that the decision-making was independent. The whole court-martial was held on a different ship.
Over two weeks they all argued over it and it seemed they argued everything but the colour of the sky.
Then on the last day the court-martial announced its decision.
Arrgh, the Judge said, where be Alison? Simon said she was not there. Arrgh, I will continue then said the Judge.
Our judgement is she still has a job, that Wirral Council did some bad things and didn’t do things they should have. But arrgh, can’t everyone just be friends again? That is our unanimous decision. Case over.
But was it over or was it just the beginning of something else?
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